How to be an Active Support Person

How to be an Active Support Person

 There’s lots of things you can do to help out the one you love. Both small and big. One offs and ongoing.

 What’s great is whatever you choose to do, that choice to be active will make that person’s life just that little bit easier. 

Accompanying them on treatment and appointments

For the person going through these on a regular basis, it’s challenging to not feel alone on this journey.

Your presence there reminds them that they’re not on their own - that they’re supported and loved through every step.

Being there to hold their hand, talk nonsense, take notes and prep snacks is invaluable.

(see more detail on how you can help in the ‘Appointment blog’ )

Read books on the subject of their health

There’s some great books, by people with infinitely more experience, to help you both navigate this process (links to some of those books here).

But often the last thing somebody wants to do is spend their free time, hours long in a book on the same thing they’re dealing with emotionally, every second in their own head.

They want a break from all that.

Which means, if you’re able to read one of these books, and take some notes on what you think might be helpful to implement (dietary shifts, lifestyle ideas), that’s a HUUUGE help. Sharing these notes with family and friends means they get additional support on this path also. More people can then help in a way that’s genuinely collaborative.

 Home Chores

It’s such a great help to step up and do all those little home admin things that otherwise fill a person’s plate.

Going through this is a full-time job - there isn’t a lot of time for stuff that really isn’t that important in the great scheme of things. Doing these very small, seemingly insignificant tasks makes it possible for them to live a much more joyful life. A great way to support somebody. 

Listen

You’re not expected to have all the answers. Quite the opposite. But there are so many complicated and confusing thoughts and emotions that just need to be expelled and vented sometimes.

Being there to listen, sincerely and attentively, gives them the opportunity to share with you everything they’re experiencing.

Which, conversely, gets you a little bit closer to understanding what it is they’re going through, and how you can be better at helping with the right things.

Because everybody is different, and you shouldn’t just take all your info from carefully curated lists some idiot like me posted on the internet.  

Send them something nice

Sending a thoughtful gift is a simple way to say you’re thinking of someone.

Money is tight during these times. Really tight. More often than not, it’s impossible to sustain regular work hours during treatment. Giving a treat or something that makes their life a little bit easier or more enjoyable is an incredible luxury which brings an immense amount of joy. It’s a nice and easy way of saying, you’re there and you care for them.  

IN SUMMATION

 The number one thing to realise (I think anyway) is that no matter how compassionate, how kind, how understanding you’re being - it’s not you going through the treatment.

It’s not you waiting on that scan or test result because your life depends on it. 

Being in that moment is something completely different. The fear is absolute. And the anxiety and stress that come with that is often unbearable.

 In trying to be the best support person, you won’t always get it right. Because as much as you want to do what’s right, it’s difficult to know when and how to exactly help.

Because as much as you’re confused as to what to do… they don’t have a clue either. They’re just as confused and far more terrified.

 But the most important is in the first sentence above… it’s just about trying.

And just like them, never giving up.

Jimmy lives in Auckland and writes from his own lived experience as a support person to his partner who passed away from secondary Breast Cancer in 2022.

He is not qualified or certified in any way to talk about this stuff, it’s just his opinion on what worked in their relationship, and how they navigated the varied complexities of a cancer diagnosis and treatment together. Please always seek professional help if you need further advice.