What to say when someone has just been diagnosed with cancer

You’ve just found out a loved one… a friend, someone in your family has cancer. 

Fuck. 

No. It can’t be. 

That’s just not possible… they’re so healthy… they’re so young still.  

This doesn’t make any sense.

I have to do something, I have to reach out… and say… um… ‘hi’.

Maybe an emoji… oh god. Is a smiley face emoji inappropriate? 

No. What am I thinking… I can’t say ‘hi’ out of nowhere. And a smiley face emoji??!! That is quite simply, moronic. I know what I’ll do…

 ‘Hi… So, I heard you have cancer…  :(  '

Shit. 

Maybe they don’t want to hear from me. They’re probably inundated with texts and busy with… um… I don’t know… cancer stuff. But too busy to deal with an annoying text from me. I mean we haven’t even spoken in a few weeks… or is it months? Oh god. I’m a terrible person. 

No. I’m not. I can do this. I genuinely want to help. 

*actual text received… so you know you can only do better than this.

…………………………….

It can be tricky. This part. You want to impart words of love and kindness. You genuinely want to help. But it just all feels…hard. Misguided. 

The most important thing you need to remember is – do something.

And the best thing to do is something simple. 

Don’t over complicate it. Don’t overthink it. They are still them. The same person you’ve always talked shit with. And you are still you. Don’t suddenly change the dynamic. That’s the last thing they want. 

The first thing they want is to know you’re there. Do say ‘hi’. Tell them you love them. There’s lots of different ways to do it. But keep it short. And please dear god don’t make it about you…

The best texts we ever got were a variation on this…

“No need to reply, but I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and sending you all my love.”

 Nice and simple. So simple in fact it bears repeating. Mix up the words obviously. But don’t leave it at ‘one and done’.

Constant contact can be too much also. It can become tiring and taxing on their time. Especially when you’re forcing the reply… or pushing them into ‘activities’ or repeated calls for ‘catch-ups’. Yuck. Let them dictate that stuff. They’ll let you know. 

But once a month, letting them know you’re there, and letting them know you care is priceless… and can really help shift someone’s day, making it a little shinier and brighter.  Just a few words of love and kindness has this small but beautiful effect. 

The next thing is doing something. A lot of people text ‘let me know if there’s any way I can help out’. That doesn’t help. 

Actually doing something helps. Not asking. Just doing. 

And this is the key concept. If you really truly want to help, do something that makes their day easier. If they have lawns, mow them. If they have kids, pick them up from school (ask first and triple check you have the right kids).

It’s as simple as that. Tell them you love them. And do something for them. 

These moments you can play a part in, are the moments that a good life is all about. 

Jimmy lives in Auckland and writes from his own lived experience as a support person to his partner who passed away from secondary Breast Cancer in 2022.

He is not qualified or certified in any way to talk about this stuff, it’s just his opinion on what worked in their relationship, and how they navigated the varied complexities of a cancer diagnosis and treatment together. Please always seek professional help if you need further advice.